What Passing Out at Dinner Taught Me About Control, Kindness, and Being Human
Be careful what you think about, you just might get it.
What do you learn when you pass out at a restaurant?
Kendra, my daughter, and I were seated at one of our favourite restaurants. We had our hair done, were dressed up, and were ready for a great dinner and visit. Despite all the good things around me, I felt off, but I ignored that.
Truthfully, I hadn’t been feeling well for a while; I was tired, and my chest felt tight pressure. I had gone to the doctor the day before. The Doctor found my blood pressure, the thing I always had under control, was dangerously high and needed medication. I had gotten medication, but I had left with more questions than answers.
“Oh, I don’t feel well at all,” I said to Kendra, sitting across from me at the restaurant, and even as I spoke, I felt worse. Closing my eyes, I felt a hot spiral into blackness come quickly.
I was so hot.
Weird.
I knew there were people around me, close to me.
Weird. Why would they be hovering by my food?
I could hear people talking about me.
Weird. I am right here.
I heard the table scraping the floor as it moved away from me.
Weird. My dinner is on there.
I stopped the blackness swirling enough to open my eyes and see the crowd gathered in front of me.
All eyes were on me.
It was me.
I was the weird.
I was embarrassed by the commotion - and what had even happened?- upset that I had ruined our mom-and-daughter date and horrified at the hot, sweaty mess I had quickly become.
I wanted to stop the attention gathering around me - quickly.
I wanted, no, my fear needed me to get back in control.
I needed to fix this.
People were in front of me, but a woman was on the bench beside me. Intently looking at me, but with kind eyes, I thought she would be the person easiest to convince that I was back in control, absolutely fine, and they could leave us alone.
“I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I disrupted your dinner.”
“It’s okay,” came the reply without breaking her kind gaze, and she didn’t move an inch.
Okay, Leanne, take a deep breath. You need to step up your game if you are going to convince everyone you are fine.
“I'm so sorry you had to come over and help us. I am OK. I am sorry.”
UGGGG, my life was a hot mess, and my mind could only come up with that lame reply. Seriously?
The woman beside me did not blink or budge.
“It’s okay,” she said softer now. “I have a fainting disorder. Don’t be sorry - I faint all the time. But you need to get checked.”
Fainting disorder? I didn't know that was a thing, I thought, and my mind opened up. Maybe, just maybe, I have something I have never heard of, and maybe it is not the big scary thing I am assuming it is.
Her eyes held mine with kindness and compassion. Her kind vulnerability melted my fear and embarrassment. She saw right through my feeble attempt to control the situation.
“Thank you for sharing that,” I said quietly.
Everyone is dealing with something - stress, money, people, fainting disorders, or passing out over your steak.
Thinking you are invincible is wacky. Trying to fix everything will ruin your nervous system. Ignoring signs to allow you to stay in control is you manipulating you. That isn’t just weird. It creates stress. And life is stressful enough.
After hours and many tests, it was determined I did not have a heart attack, and my high blood pressure was most likely from the stress and situations I was putting myself in. The message was loud and clear - I needed to relax.
Spoiler alert - I don’t relax well. I think - some might call it overthinking, but that is a story for another day. I was so caught up in what I couldn’t control that I let it get inside my head. That stressful loop of things I wanted to be different demanded more attention than the list of blessings in my life.
I realized that in the past few days, I had been thinking, "Everything is going wrong; what else will go wrong next?"
I know the power of my thoughts, and I was not going to allow this terrorist who lives inside my head to dominate my thoughts.
I was focused on everything that wasn’t going well and missing what was good.
I needed a new question: What is the best thing that could happen?
I spent 13 hours of one-on-one time with Kendra at the ER (I had wanted to spend time with Kendra. Note to self: be more specific with the details of what you want next time)
I was not alone; in fact, I had one of the people I love the most by my side and we definitely created some memorable moments 😜
I did not have a heart attack as symptoms presented but most likely had stress and situation-induced high blood pressure.
I had tests done relatively quickly and found answers (even if I still have questions, which is okay, too).
I saw the humanity in people, time and again.
Sharing your story matters.
You get the lesson you need when you need it. Everyone is dealing with something - Be kind.
Your differences don't make you weird. They make you human.
Your worry is natural, but it isn’t the main character of your life.
Your kindness isn’t a weakness but a valuable asset.
Be kind.
You never know who needs it. And truthfully, the world needs it.
If you are journaling or just thinking about a situation, try asking: What’s the best that could happen?
Much love,
Leanne
Be kind. Everyone is dealing with something. 💕